Here’s Why Your Coping Skills Don’t Work

Coping is a subtle form of avoidance that maintains psychological distress.

Originally published on my Psychology Today Blog, Mindful Relationships

You’ve tried everything you can think to do: positive affirmations, relaxation strategies, staying away from triggering situations, talking yourself out of your thoughts. And still, your struggles with your inner demons persist. It might be in the form of stress, apprehension, fear, or negative thoughts that drain you and limit your life.

The problem with coping strategies

There’s a reason these strategies aren’t working. By trying to change how we feel through our “coping” strategies, we are absorbed in them and ultimately, feeding them. They are occupying our mental space, becoming more and more prominent as a focus in our lives. The message we reinforce for ourselves is, “I have to get rid of this before I can really start living!”

Some of my clients think, “But you’re a therapist… don’t you help people focus on their emotions and change them for a living?”

Most definitely, yes, but absolutely not. There are evidence-based techniques that can help you “drop the battle” with your painful feelings. Many clients learn that many of the strategies they’ve used to cope may be perpetuating their struggle and keeping them stuck. That’s because often, coping strategies are grounded in avoidance — trying not to feel how we feel. And then we start to believe that, since we can’t change our feelings, there is something wrong with us or we just can’t tolerate those tough emotions. Doing things “to feel better” (using coping strategies) is just not the answer.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)

There is an alternative to coping, grounded in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), which is a part of the third wave of Cognitive Behavioral Therapies (CBT), the school of therapy with the most research support.

The goal of ACT is to develop a way of being in the world characterized by psychological flexibility, which has six elements. Formally, these are referred to as acceptance, cognitive defusion, self as context, being present, values, and committed action. What this really means is that in ACT therapy, clients learn to drop the struggle with their painful thoughts and emotions and change the way that they see themselves so that they can be fully here in their lives and do what matters.

When you seek out a therapist, find someone who won’t help you to cope, but help you to live.

For a great book on practicing the principles of acceptance and commitment therapy, check out Dr. Steven Hayes’ Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life.

To read the full article on Psychology Today, click here.